Here but not 'here' anymore

The news came as a shock to me, a total shock that pierced through my heart like a thousand daggers. I know that i said that you should move on, I know that I was the one who let you go and I was the one who asked you to not wait for me. But as they all say " you will cherish what you lost and know that it was the best when you do not own it anymore". The memories that we had as i looked at it from an outsiders perspective now tell me and showed me how much you loved me and was there for me. I remember the time when we first went out, the dinner at Manhattan's when it was my birthday, how we chose clothes for CNY and how i hinted that i liked you on the escalator. I remember the time at the block before your house and how i kissed you and you said "i don't want you to go" and i said "you have to, if not i won't let you go". But i did. I remember the time when we were on our first real date and I asked you whether you would change your friendster profile to in a relationship and you said " yes you dumb ". But it went to "single" again. I remember the time we went to my school reunion and you were so willing to go and not afraid of the awkwardness cause you were with me. I remember the time that during CNY you came to my house and wished me and my parents a Happy New Year. I remember the time we went out and got my mom the gift that she wished for- the black bag that my mom now uses. I remember the countless movies that we went and how each and everyone of them was a memory and never to be forgotten. I remember the day that the basketball team had to do duty and create drinks for the participants. I saw you from beside and you were willing to help out and did what i did. I realised this, you were one that could be the greatest wife on earth, the one that would stay by your guy thru thick and thin. I saw all that I wanted in a wife but I let you go. I am such an idiot, such a fool. I broke your heart and now my heart aches at hearing the news and you saying "i thought there was not going to be a 'us' anymore". Maybe it is what I deserve, maybe I am feeling the bit of pain that you two are feeling because of me. I deserve this. I think I do. And the more I see and realise all the things the more I know that I am deeply in love with you and I was foolish to let you go. But I cant regret? Can I regret? I dunnno but I know that I dun wanna hurt the both of you anymore. I wish that I was not in the both of your lives and you two won't feel so much pain. I can't regret now can I? I dunno whether I can let you go. Can I? I just wish for you to be happy. With me? Without me? You are here you can say, but you are not 'here' anymore.